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16 July 2011 @ 07:08 pm
i need jj to be okay.
there's definitely no room for other-than-best case scenarios in my mind. at all. i truly don't believe anything can go wrong. deep down inside, there's definitely no acceptance of any possibility other than this is all going to be okay.
he's been off for two weeks, and the vet found an inch of wire embedded in the sole of his hoof. i swear to god it wasn't there when i checked the weekend before last, so the vet thinks his body started pushing it out.
epsom salt soaks, betadine, wrapping his hoof with sugardine and diapers. if he gets worse by sunday we're in trouble.
if the wire went deep enough, possibly hit the navicular, it's over.
i don't think there is any human capacity to deal with that much grief. when zorrie had her sarcoid that came out of nowhere and kept growing for six fucking months on her carotid i was terrified the tumor was going to grow into her, too. you can't even operate on that shit.
this is too stressful for me. if anything ever happens to my horses, i'm going to hit the wall, and i don't know if i could come back from that.

sleeping in my own bed again didn't feel like anything. being in my room didn't feel like home. currying jj though, that was peace. hearing zorrie munch hay punctuated by the occasional tail swish. home is where your horses are.
riding is a lot more than a sport. it grounds you and it makes you feel solid and steady, real and whole. it's adrenaline and love and strength. it's art and sweat and aches and mud. it's dramatic, serene, explosive, gentle. i think it's my coping strategy for life, and that is sort of incompatible with going to college. hrmph.

but everything's going to be okay, because jj is going to be okay, and he's always going to be here for when i come back. i can't handle all this stress of what if i can't get my math dyslexia under control and keep failing because i add two and two and get four, and i do all the right work in my stochiometry problems but get no credit because i stupidly put my decimals at the wrong end of the number again (yeah, eight hundred is written .800", what one day i want to take T more than i'm afraid of how to explain this to my grandparents, what if all my lung capacity never really comes back after i fucked up binding, what if i can't keep myself from getting angry after coming home and being called she by every family member in my life, WHAT IF MY PONY'S LIFE IS FUCKING OVER BECAUSE SOME DIPSHIT PIECE OF WIRE THAT DIDN'T BELONG IN THE FIELD WENT TOO DEEP INTO HIS FOOT?
i'm tired!
i'm scared!
i have an awful ton of homework. i'm going to snuggle my dog and pray for some deep, deep sleep.
16 July 2011 @ 01:01 pm
Livejournal feels like my safe venting place right now. It's nothing personal, but steph follows my tumblr and sometimes I want to vent without someone that close seeing it.

Ugggh everyone keeps pe king on me every time I pick up my phone, they're telling me to relax and leave it alone and dad says stop texting Racheal andhes like so how late do you stay up talking to her and how much are you texting her and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK? I haven't apoken to anyone in weeks
And I want to cut myself open amd expunge all this irritation from under my skn, everyone keeps telling me to close my eyes and take a nap but I don't want to be in my head, that's more chafing than anything.vall the fucking comments about my hair my clothes blah blah, the first thing dad said when he picked me up was did you cut your hair again, or why isn't it growing, when my hair is twice as long as I want it. Then he says I don't like your shirt. Then whn I was talking about how tired I was from all my tests, he aays maybe if you shaved your legs you would focus better. He tells me hes going to shave them in my sleep.
I changed my shirt to mke my grandma happy, I didn't type on lj to make them be quiet, now I'm xhausted and irritated because there are more she's and Nicole's flying around and fuck people stop going comments anout me typing shut the fuck up, I'm tored, I'm sick of this, I love you all but you're driving me mad and I want to punch something but I can't. Ven say it. I'm so frustrated, I'm so tense, I'm so dead beat. I can't get out of here and I can't get out of my head and I can't unwind because every fucking she is pissing me off and I can't explain it. I'm tired. I want a nap. I don't want to nap
I want to have a good time but this is really difficult
13 July 2011 @ 12:07 am
today was good. math quiz felt easy. got my chem quiz back, i lost crazy points on unfair questions and was pretty incensed (for example, on a short answer, i correctly did the first half of the problem and set up all of the conversion factors for the second, but didn't have time to multiply across. i got zero out of five points for that, when i had all the right work. UGH.) but, whatever, i'll just try to do better.
today was a chill day. although i got my ass kicked in a pillow fight with matt again; he gets like ten blows in to my one, because he grabs my pillow. the eye of the pillowpet nailed me in the face though, and split my lip. i was gushing blood into the water fountain for a full minute. i stopped by abigail's room after that and stayed there with her and gavin. they're good people to be around. we killed time and laid on her bed and joked and did precalc and played music. at one point yumna came in to get her clothes, and she wouldn't do it unless abigail swore gavin and i weren't watching. yumna wears a hijab and everything, and the fact that she was cool with abi but not gavin and i did make me feel pretty awesome.
hung with brian for a really long while. it's all good. i chilled on the bed and he did whatever on his laptop and played some music. he's got a badass jeep that he takes on all kinds of trails, and he's done some pretty cool shit to it, so we talked about that. the wilderness is where it's at, man. i take horses on trails and he takes jeeps, but in the end we're all there for the same reason.
so we chilled and steve and lawrence and camisha and john and matt came in and out. it was nice though. i love it here. i absolutely love it here, and i love my family too, but, please. the kind of community here? i'd barely trade that for anything. especially the hanging out with guys. i don't want to stereotype. because i have a few good female friends who are the best company, but in general being in a group of girls has a different vibe. and the conversations are different, too. it's kind of a relief to be around so many guys, or just mixed company. it's so much easier.
ugh life is awesome and i sleep in tomorrow so goood night!
i'm going to be damn fucking heartbroken when this program's over.
09 July 2011 @ 01:40 am
i'm going to be pretty crushed when summer bridge is over. i love these people.
today was long. chemistry was hell to survive because i was about to black out any minute for the whole two hours, i was literally punching myself in the arm and i think i was taking notes while asleep, because afterwards, i didn't remember writing half that shit. we went through almost a whole chapter in one day, at breakneck speed, and it was harsh. so much memorization due for monday. so much homework.
we napped under the statue in front of the BME for half an hour until precalc, and then took our final. i felt pretty great, stumbled on a couple of questions but aced a bunch.
okay i can't be bothered to recount my whole day it's late and we have breakfast at seven again tomorrow and a trip to nyc. i need sleep. but, whatever, today was amazing. it sucked a lot, because i struggle with math. either it doesn't translate into sense in my head, and i don't know what i'm doing and do it wrong, or i know exactly what i'm doing, and still do it wrong. after a while my brain goes on autopilot without telling me (if i realized, i would stop it), and does crazy shit like 2+2=5 and 4X8=8 (YES, that bad) while i think i'm cruising along. it's freaking weird. for example, i was (i thought) calculating surface area - i even had the whole mental picture in my head, was envisioning the faces, everything) when i turned out to be doing the volume. i was thinking surface area, my brain was calculating volume, and telling me it was surface area. i don't know how this works but i do it constantly, and it sucks.
so i got a 56 on my test, which is actually smack in the middle of the average for people taking the regular course in the fall. my average went up two points, from a 53 to a 55. i've overstudied, i've done tens of problems every night, i've outlined every chapter in the book, i;ve re-written my notes, i've organized concepts and made cheat sheets - it hasn't really helped much. i understand the math, but my brain just glitches on me constantly. CONSTANTLY. i'm determined to get over it, though. i will. i think one reason i get so distressed is that i'm used to everything being effortless. it usually is. english, biology, history - those things just stick in my head. i know they're the "soft" classes but honestly, i've torn through history textbooks cover to cover in a weekend like it was reading the newspaper, and had everything i needed to know magically appear in my mind on AP tests. everything is just magically there. the facts just pop into my mind, just like that... it's an unconscious process. and here i am stumbling over the most repetetive math problems untilmy eyes bleed.
it's not easy. i kind of want to cry sometimes.
it rained - monsooned for a little, actually. crazy. was pretty great.
i love being around all the people here. this is probably - nah, definitely the most social thing i've done in my life. i am so comfortable. it's awesome.
i'm going to get this math. and at the same time, i have amazing friends. i feel so at home and at ease. i feel - damn, i don't feel awkward. it's funny, because matt and lawrence tease the shit out of me, but they crack the kind of jokes that are acceptably offensive. we were all bored in john's room and trying to play some stupid game where you "draw a line" between two objects because you see a way they're connected, say the objects, and everyone has to figure out the connection. so matt's like, i draw a line from the towel bar  to nick. there's a weird towel bar screwed into the cinderblock wall behind the door, idk. so riddhy was like, they're both straight? but the answer was, apparently, haha, the towel bar's missing a towel and the guy is missing a dick.
there are way too many jokes for that. at lunch today laurence made a crack about a couple of grapes and was like hah, they're nick's balls. i pushed my chair in a few days ago, it squeaked loudly on the floor, and matt was like, hey, we know you have a vagina, that doesn't mean you can't pick things up. in study hall yesterday he made a ton of mangina jokes.
it's all good, though. and - weirdly enough? - the guys are way better with pronouns. and when we're all together, if someone slips up and calls me she, laurence or matt call them out on it and it's pretty funny. it's also really nice. i feel pretty fucking awesome here.
i like who i am around here, it makes me insanely happy. i love my life at home, too, and i'm feeling this rift between everything i want to be and everything i am there. i have more freedom here in some ways, but so much support at home in others, and i want that support, even though there's definitely no allowance for my gender identity there. people have my back, here. i am who i want to be, here, and it's working out. it;s working fine - it's working great. i can stand on my own two feet, and be whatever kind of person i want to be, and not be alone.
but nobody loves you quite like your family. i'm still not sure how tor econcile this all. my head is killing me - it's been a killer day - i loved it in the end, though. good night,
02 July 2011 @ 12:40 pm

i'm feeling really down.
i had this huge-ass dysphoric breakdown when i came home, and i still feel mildly ill. i was feeling really good at rutgers, enough to look past the fact that i have boobs. being out is awesome. to hell with the fact that i have a high pitched voice, to hell with the fact that i'm short,  and tiny, and about as macho as a feather boa. all i had to do was say i was a he, and people just respected it.
and i was able to live my life and feel really, really good.

now i'm home. now i'm not nick anymore, or i sometimes am, but only as a nickname for nicole. now when people think of me i know it's not in the way i feel, i know they notice everything i try to look past and never see anything about myself that i look at, and i can feel myself being reshaped by their gaze. i can feel my sense of self being suffocated, being starved, by never being seen.

and trying to keep it alive just hurts.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckCollapse )
01 July 2011 @ 06:30 am
studying for chem then going to go to breakfast with john then going to go to math early with this other kid then chem test then math quiz
i brushed my teeth
motherfucker, guys are chill
i keep being so terrified to use the bathroom and then nothing happens. wow.
i need to relax.
30 June 2011 @ 12:43 am
wonderful fabulous day with all sorts of chill people. our precalc class split, today, and matt, camisha, hardh, marta, laurence, azima EVERYONE IS IN THE OTHER CLASS (the "blue" team.) :/ we all had the same teacher until today because the second professor hadn't made it over yet. but red has quinten (will i ever get his name right?), steve, tarmie and brian.
we only had math today, finished the chem packet, did the chem txtbook questions yesterday, did most of today's precalc, oh my god so many problems, so many hours. quizzes tomorrow. keep forgetting to take my asthma meds, can't breathe. mr shieman called me he all class long today. oh my god, i'm dying inside i'm so happy.
waited after class to see my quiz grade from yesterday, and one other kid was in the room so i decided to wait for him to pack his bag instead of walking to lunch. and he was like, i don't think i've ever spoken to you, why are you waiting for me. so i told him it would suck to be the last one leaving class and walking alone, is that creepy. and he said no, i think it's sweet.
so we walked to lunch and chatted and it was really funny, because i was like yep, i'm nick, and i'm transgender, and he was like, oh, cause i've been trying to figure you out the whole time. i've figured as much about most people i didn't directly come out to because i've been called a mix of he and she for the past week and it's been weird.  but people seriously stick up for me. or at least it feels that way, like each he is an implicit support, and it feels like i've got people in my corner, and that feels good. in reality people probably don't care too much, but i can't explain the amazingness of being in someone's jam packed dorm room in the middle of a conversation, and when anyone talks about you, hearing them say he.
i am blissed the fuck out. life is so good.
we are having a sick amount of fun in this hall and on this campus. it's like a giant sleepover, with truckloads of brain breaking mathematical problems for bonding over. quinten stole a ketchup bottle, hamburgers and armloads of fruit from the cafeteria. it's in his fridge. i walked around giving away the chocolate puddings attached to the vanilla on the giant case my dad brought me - passed em around the lounge while a game of bs was being played. this place is amazing. i feel like i'm going to be very lonely when college ends.
rhyddi, or however the hell she spells her name, she had her camera and we got some very funny pictures, man. camisha's bed is reserved, lmao, only matt can sit there, laurence told me when i came in, so i sat on rhyddi's bed with she and stacy and john. kwame came in. oh damn it, i'll never be able to explain all the jokes that run through our days over here. it's endless.
anyway, john is really fucking comfy. get seven, eight people in a dorm room and watch the beds turn into dogpiles. we all had so much fun. this is the coolest program, ever.
i was sad when curfew came around and we had to break up the party and go back to our own rooms. i wonder if wanting to cuddle a guy makes me gay.
and this was the other bed:
clearly, we had it going on. ;)
29 June 2011 @ 01:14 am
i'm all over the place when it comes to recording my thoughts. i have journals, word documents on my laptop, tumblr, youtube, facebook notes, ugh. family found my tumblr and my dad was all "oh no i'll lose my job if anyone ever finds out you posted naked people" (jeez, there's the occasional sexy pic, but really? notyourboy.tumblr.com, it is NOT a porn tumblr.) so i made a new tumblr. and ranted on it when that stuff would be better off here. i also made a youtube during a moment when i was so flustered i couldn't compose myself on paper, and because people i know irl follow my old youtube.
i am going to try and consolidate.
my life is amazing and crazy and great, i'm going to sleep now. oh my goodness though. coming out as trans is the best thing i ever, ever did for myself. i'm so happy. life is so awkward sometimes, but i can see where it gets better, and i'm reaching it and moving past it every day. every day life gets better. and better. and better.
always a work in progress.
i feel so positive.
by the way, i'm using the men's bathroom over here, which scares the life out of me every time because i can't bind and thus am insecure as fuck, but nothing's happened yet, and i'm getting some confidence in myself.
i love me.
02 May 2011 @ 05:15 pm
i have this obsession with recording everything in my life, but then it's all in fifteen different places and doesn't do any good. so i have stacks of journals, hours of videos, folders of pictures, and too many places i blog at once in a blue moon.
but livejournal is the best organized when it comes to, um, journaling, so here we go.
.what my life looks like right nowCollapse )
28 April 2011 @ 10:37 pm
this is the excess of an email to racheal that is more 'i need to get this out of my head' than something i needed her to read, not that i'd mind if anyone read it (hence lj) but more that yo, i know she has a life, and this is just more of my little soap opera.
thank you for being there, rach.
=.=Collapse )